Saturday 7 May 2011

My heart is cracked

Somewhere on the M25 last night my heart cracked.

It isn't broken as it was when I lost Skunk but the pain is real and visceral. I'm mourning the loss of my plans for 2011 and I'm mourning for Chorrie with three months of box rest for him stretching ahead into the far distance.

Everyone keeps telling me it'll be OK I'll be able to ride him again, well yes possibly and I do appreciate people are trying to help, but it doesn't help. This for me is a loss and I'm in mourning and in real pain and at some point normal service will be resumed but right here right now it fucking well hurts, real physical pain. I'm also angry; why Chorrie, why such a lovely kind horse? There is also guilt could I have prevented this?

Was I imagining things on Sunday or was that an early warning sign, or was it as so many times before me being me? Over anxious analytical rider imagining issues no one else can see, and let's be honest here the judge thought he was OK and that it was me hanging onto the right rein (stress habit) and lo when I didn't do that in the Novice normality was restored. In the second warm up I was happy (walking on long rein) and had no worries about his soundness. If Wednesday hadn't happened the first set of worries would have been like so many times before forgotten and behind me.

Did my riding cause this injury? It is pure coincidence I hold right and he broke right? What if I'd decided to keep him in Wednesday morning, but even my vet said turn him out and why wouldn't you with no heat, no lumps no bumps and no significant lameness, just a general something is wrong? How many horses have been turned out under such circumstances and how many then do their check ligament later that day?

Did he actually do it in the stable? When I got him in for the farrier Wednesday 15:00 he was walking with more placement left *but* even as I walked him up I wasn't thinking sh1t he needs a vet now, just a Hmm this needs looking at. When I stripped his boots off and picked his feet out no lumps, heat or bumps so did he do the final insult in the stable in that hour whilst he waited in for the farrier to do Fred?

Logically you'd have to conclude the injury did occur in the stable as swelling and oedema would have been fairly rapid given the severity shown on the scan Friday. So it probably was a UXB waiting to blow, and the question isn't really would not turning him out have prevented this but what factors caused this to happen and what can be changed to reduce future recurrence?

The stark reality is my boy is 19; he belies his age but tissue healing will not be as good in a 19yo as a 11yo. Statistically the other one is now more likely to go.

Please don't try to jolly me out of this, this sucks really sucks


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