Scans 5th August 2011

Down and out

That's how I feel.

Constantly on the verge of tears, when he did it the first time I didn't feel like this, this feels something like how it felt when I lost Skunk and yet C is alive and in no danger but I feel almost as low.

I feel responsible, it wasn't my fault what happened but it was my responsibility and I failed to keep him safe. The first time was just bad luck this one was preventable and I failed.

Seriously considering giving up riding and just having ponies as pets.

Yet in the midst of my misery I know I am blessed, I have a wonderful husband, YO, vet, physio and friends.

Back to square one?

So good scan on Monday, physio yesterday all going well.

Mucked out this morning as normal thought I'd pooh pick as I often do (1 day in 3) whilst C is out in his pen.

Take him out to pen make sure he is settled go to get wheelie from gate. C goes down to roll, bit too close to fence but am too far away (as have moved pen to be on decent grass surface) to get to him.

He rolls right over catches foot on fence pings fence, fence collapses C gets up and stands there scared, still too far away. Fred goes over fence that is now down, C hesitates but decides to join his best buddy. C and F spend what seems like hours but was probably five minutes maximum charging up and down. C stops as he is now non weight bearing on his previously injured leg.

Remove cool boot (bought new yesterday and now shredded and totally ducked) and he hobbles up track. Ice leg which has blown up, arrange for vet to come and scan tomorrow, take ice off go and move Fred and pooh pick.

Ice back on check good leg and good leg looks to have gone too, hardly surprising if 3 months of box rest leads to 30% reduction in elasticity. Not surprised at all it didn't stand up to his antics.

Had I not walked away to get the wheelie I'd have got to him, yes taking him up track with Fred loose would have been interesting but damage would not have been as great.

Am in a very dark place right now, please don't tell me it'll be OK because you know you really don't know that and I can't abide false hope. It ducking well sucks and sucks big time that is my reality.

Am lucky to have such a good YO who is icing it hourly plus a vet who is rearranging her day to come scan it.

I know I'll get through this I've got through worse but at the moment my hope is on life support and I just have no fight or strength left. It feels similar to when I lost Skunk and yet it isn't life threatening but I'm not coping today.

Scan 4 a new hope dawns

So today was scan number four twelve weeks and five days post injury.

Bad news

Total spend to date about £1800, scary how it adds up but the following are currently my averages per week

Supplements £15

Physio £45

Scan £50

so basically £110/week, that ignores extra livery care costs, extra petrol when doing both ends of day, laser hire in first month, two sets of cold boots at a shade under £300. Hopefully insurance will pay up for the vet, laser and physio my claim is in am awaiting a decision.

So that's the bad news in summary a check ligament injury is not cheap to rehab if you go the route of ultrasound, monthly scans and herbal supplements that are essentially faith based!

Good news

Now for the good news the scan looks much better than the last scan :@)

Lots of linear fibres and very few cross fibres, it is looking a bit less linear at 14cm but overall it is good, so good in fact we are going to keep on keeping on for another month and not start a formal walk programme. Can also see on the scan space starting to appear between structures on ultrasound so good good news.

Vet's reasoning is it is healing in a linear way on current regime and that formal walking is used to reduce cross fibres which we currently don't have hence stick with current regime and add in five minutes walk a day to his daily trips to pony pen.

Lessons learnt

1/ Expect a bad first scan, even if too bad an injury as Chorister's was for stem cell or IRAP you can still get good healing using old fashioned methods of cold therapy and anti inflammatories.

2/ Second scan isn't going to be that great either you're only a month post injury and soft tissue heals slowly

3/ Assemble a good team around you:-

• vet
• physiotherapist
• livery yard owner
• friends

4/ Try and stay happy, you might as well, because the time doesn't pass any quicker for being miserable nor does the injury heal any faster or better.

5/ Bury the bodies of those who say 'It is only a few months' under the largest patio you can find as there will be quite a collection of bodies! See also points 6/ and 8/ .

6/ Bury the bodies of those who don't understand that whilst you are grateful it isn't worse that also doesn't mean you're not going to mourn for what you've lost and it is bloody hard work! I am allowed to be sad, it is a sad thing that has happened; if you don't understand that then say nothing.

7/ Do not underestimate the healing power (for both of you) of biscuits, chocolate, love, Peppa Pig and small girls.

8/ You will meet people who know more than your vet despite never having been to vet school, they too belong under the patio. The only exceptions are those who have treated more check ligament injuries than your vet, they may be spared the patio treatment.

9/ Hope and desperation trumps common sense I know this because I am using an untested herbal supplement upon which no trials have been performed, there is no known efficacy, zilch nada. Yet here I am using it just in case it might help.

10/ Hiring a laser see 9/

Chorister 1st August 2011